Sam Keelan (b. 1992)

“It’s hard to abandon yourself when it feels like they’re watching, right? Fear not I was in the same position no more than six months ago, and it is possible to disguise your innate suburban dullness! I hear many experts are saying it’s at the root of all of life’s problems. The solution is piss easy, and should finally lead to you occupying that separate space, reserved for those that know themselves to be happier than anyone else. All you’ll need to do is develop an obscure and unpalatable obsession. Which seems counter productive at first, I know, but the most important part in this plan is to make sure your new fixation is borrowed from someone, that the people around you have determined to have a high cultural worth, if they like the way that person fetishizes countering the larger culture, they’ll sure as hell love it even more when you do it, as you’re younger, more attractive and hopefully have rich dead parents. “It’s called having your cake and eating theirs™.” and its been working for me for months now, it should be noted that its a luxury that is nigh on impossible to achieve to have your own interests, and shouldn’t be attempted, even with adult supervision. If your veil should ever slip and people should find out that your the most boring person that has ever lived, it will hurt at first, you’ll be filled with rage thinking of them going on with their lives, not even thinking about you in their happiest moments, but as we’re blood I’ll let you in on another secret, which is even better than the last, there’s been lots of talk on my street of the end of civilization as we know it, so your burning lack of significance won’t hurt so much when your dead. This is a very comforting thought to hold tight to your chest while going about life’s daily admin.”